SOMEONE needs to tell Jose Mourinho that experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
Because one thing is for sure – the 55-year-old Portuguese is making the same mistakes time and time again.
Don’t have the odds stacked in your favour by having the richest owner? Bleat about how unfair it is that other clubs are ‘buying’ success.
Spend hundreds of millions on players, including £60m on two centre-backs. Dump them and moan that the board aren’t backing you.
Play a midfielder like Ander Herrera in a back three to ram your point home. Get thrashed 3-0 at home by a Tottenham side with just two victories in their past 34 visits to Old Trafford.
Don’t have reporters purring over your horrible defensive style of football? Accuse the media of bias and demand they respect you. Not the way respect works Jose – respect is earned.
Deflect attention away from a terrible loss by having a tantrum. Act shocked that your meltdown is newsworthy.
When your press conferences are more defensive than your team then you know you have a problem. When you’ve turned the Theatre of Dreams into the Theatre of Nightmares you have a big problem.
At the moment it seems like Mourinho couldn’t find his bum with both his hands in his back pockets. But his hollow diversionary tactics mask the fact he is to blame for much of the malaise at Manchester United.
He can’t get a tune out of players like £75m striker Romelu Lukaku, who missed a sitter at 0-0 versus Spurs, £89m midfielder Paul Pogba who was utterly anonymous and £53m new boy Fred who just wanders around looking bewildered.
Creative players like Juan Mata, Antony Martial and Alexis Sanchez are hollow shells bereft of confidence. All his defenders are messed about and discarded rather than built up and nurtured.
The fans are up in arms, his players look baffled, the board and owners look on with frowns that Kristen Stewart and Victoria Beckham would be proud of.
Zinedine Zidane waits in the wings and to the dismay of supporters of every other club it is surely only a matter of time before Mourinho and his dark narcissism is dumped on the pavement outside Old Trafford.
It’s the worst start to a season since 1992. When everything’s coming your way then you’re in the wrong lane.
Meanwhile the camps at Liverpool, Tottenham and Chelsea are happier than tornadoes in trailer parks. All three sides have played three and won three.
So far this season Liverpool have enjoyed their biggest opening day win in 24 years (4-0 v West Ham) plus Virgil van Dijk and Alisson have transformed their much-maligned defence and are yet to let in a goal. If Kop boss Jurgen Klopp felt any better, he’d drop his harp plumb through the cloud.
Also on cloud nine are Mauricio Pochettino and Maurizio Sarri as their two sides look packed full of power, poise and purpose.
Harry Kane is scoring in August, Spurs look to have found a real gem in Lucas Moura and Poch is handling off-field problems with the new ground and lack of funds with calm charm.
Sarri – the new man about town – has fitted in seamlessly at Stamford Bridge. He kept superstar Eden Hazard at the club and more than that seems to be keeping the Belgian talisman happy.
So while Mourinho’s rivals spread happiness he is trying to garner fondness from the Old Trafford faithful by blaming everyone else. But love is like a fart. If you have to force it then it’s probably s***!
AND finally however bad it is at United, spare a thought for those of a West Ham persuasion.
New manager Manuel Pellegrini spent over £100m over the summer but they have started the campaign with three losses and were 1-0 down inside two minutes against Wimbledon in the Carabao Cup.
The Hammers needed the League One outfit to be reduced to 10 men after just 18 minutes but still struggled – huffing and puffing before Issa Diop finally levelled after an hour with a screamer with late goals from Angelo Ogbonna and Javier Hernandez making it a flattering scoreline for the Premier League side.
But it’s a long season so never fear Hammers’ fans it won’t always be this embarrassing, there are still more twists than a pretzel factory to come.