IF this transfer window was bacon, it wouldn’t have even sizzled.

For the first time in living memory none of the top six clubs did any last-minute business, while Tottenham became the first club in the history of summers transfer windows not to complete a single deal.


Meanwhile, Manchester United chairman Ed Woodward is still acting like life is a walk in the park. Mate what park are you walking in? Jurassic Park?

His lack of action has added to the tension between himself and club manager Jose Mourinho who is now not only wearing grumpy pants but has the whole outfit including matching socks.

For one reason or another none of Ivan Perisic, Toby Alderweireld, Harry Maguire, Yerry Mina, Sergej Milinkovic-Savic, Jerome Boateng or Diego Godin trotted happily through the Old Trafford door.

Boateng is said to have snubbed Mourinho because he does not feel they are capable of winning the Champions League, while Godin’s agent quite clearly played United like a fiddle and had no desire to move but just get a bigger contract out of Atletico Madrid – and it worked – with hours!

Then there were in-house troubles with Paul Pogba agitating for a move to Barcelona – or a £200,000 a week pay rise. The Frenchman is so spoiled salt couldn’t save him, while his agent Mino Raiola knows more ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.

Alisson’s stint as the world’s most expensive goalkeeper lasted just 20 days with Chelsea splashing out £71.6million to land the appropriately named Kepa Arrizabalaga, 23, from Athletic Bilbao.

The young stopper’s buy-out clause, which was only inserted in January when he almost moved to Real Madrid for £18m, smashed the £67m Liverpool paid for their Brazilian No 1.

But not all clubs had a quiet final day. Fulham went transfer crazy snapping up five players – £22m Marseille midfielder Andre-Frank Zambo Anguissa, Joe Bryan, Luciano Vietto, Sergio Rico  and Timothy Fosu-Mensah, to make it 12 newbies in total.

The Cottagers have also massively improved their squad by bringing in the likes of German World Cup winner Andre Schurrle – all while keeping hold of future superstar Ryan Sessegnon.

Fellow new boys Wolves have also had a terrific window with 113-cap Portuguese European Championship winner Joao Moutinho, speedster Adama Traore and Leander Dendoncker who was part of the Belgium squad who finished third at this summer’s World Cup.

West Ham have signalled their intentions with Felipe Anderson (£41m), Issa Diop (£25m) and Andriy Yarmolenko (£17.5m) arriving for big money, while Jack Wilshere came on a free transfer after leaving Arsenal. Lucas Perez, Carlos Sanchez, Lukasz Fabianski, Ryan Fredericks, Fabian Balbuena and Xande Silva make it 10 new faces for Hammers fans to adore.

Everton coughed up £50m on Richarlison, nabbed Bernard on a free and raided Barcelona three times for Lucas Digne, Andre Gomes and Mina, while there have been 14 incomings at Brighton with fans excited by the look of Alireza Jahanbakhsh but commentators dreading him getting on the ball!

The Premier League curtain-raiser is Manchester United versus Leicester tonight. Two crazy things about that – the fact it is on a Friday night and that the Foxes were the last of the two to be champions.

I’m not a traditionalist who hankers back to all games kicking off at 3pm on Saturdays – I understand football is big business.

But I do think having games on Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and now Fridays is damaging the brand. What did Thursdays ever do to the Premier League anyway?

If you don’t ever have to wait for something, to get that buzz of excitement building then you’re basically a spoilt kid for whom Christmas means nothing.

The danger is the drama will be diluted . . . or maybe because most people now have the attention span of a gnat it is what is demanded in the GIVE IT TO ME NOW era?

ENGLAND messed up their World Cup – we thought we’d be saying that about the male footballers not the female hockey payers this summer.

Disappointing 1-1- draws with India and USA meant the easy path to the knockout stages went instead to Pool B winners Ireland.

Danny Kerry’s side then had to battle hard to beat the Irish, see off Korea in the crossover game and their reward was a quarter-final clash with holders and World No 1 Holland who they promptly lost 2-0 to.

In contrast Ireland faced Spain and made the final where the green dream died. The Netherlands, who had thrashed Italy 12-1 in the group stage, won 6-0 to be crowned worthy champions.

The conundrum now for everyone else is how to reign in the dominant Dutch and that’s a problem which is harder than Chinese algebra!

AND finally Thibaut Courtois embarrassingly kissed the badge as he was unveiled at Real Madrid after his contentious switch from Chelsea.

Bear in mind the keeper has yet to play for the Spaniards, played over 100 games for cross town rivals Atletico and went on strike to force the move and it is no wonder Blues fans went ballistic at the goodbye message he was forced to delete after a barrage of online abuse.

In my mind his actions make him lower then snail sh*t in a wagon rut. 

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